Not long ago, I was sitting with a client at Soberman's Estate the day after he arrived for treatment.
As we talked, he told me about a night out with friends a few weeks earlier. He had too much to drink, embarrassed himself, and woke up the next morning with very little memory of what had happened.
"I keep thinking about it," he said. "I don't even know everything I said or did. How do I repair the friendships I may have damaged?"
I've heard some version of that question many times over the years.
Interestingly, it usually isn't asked while someone is still drinking. It comes after the alcohol clears and a man begins seeing himself through the eyes of the people who love him. For many men, that's the moment when denial starts giving way to honesty.
My answer caught him off guard.
I told him, "Don't make repairing your friendships your first job."
He looked at me for a second, probably wondering if I'd misunderstood what he was asking
I hadn't.
"Your first job is getting well," I said. "Everything else grows from there."
That doesn't mean friendships aren't important. They are. But trying to repair every relationship immediately can sometimes become another way of looking for quick relief. Recovery doesn't usually work that way.
I've learned that people who've been hurt by our drinking rarely need another promise. Most have heard plenty of promises already. What they haven't always had is the chance to experience a different version of us over time.
Mitch Prager who is the Founder and CEO of Soberman’s Estate says he always enjoys the month of September is because it's the ninth month of the year. In the Twelve Steps, Step Nine is where we make direct amends to those we've harmed whenever possible, except when doing so would injure them or others. Mitch states “If I ripped your shirt, a simple apology will not suffice, I must mend the shirt or make you whole again by purchasing you a replacement shirt – amends take time and actions speak louder than words”
I've always appreciated the wisdom in that step. It doesn't tell us to rush out and apologize to everyone the moment we stop drinking. It asks us to prepare ourselves first. By the time someone reaches Step Nine, they've already spent time taking an honest look at themselves, accepting responsibility, and beginning to live differently. That's what gives an amends sincerity and meaning.
A sincere apology absolutely has its place. In fact, making amends is an important part of recovery. But timing matters. An apology carries far more meaning when it's supported by actions that show you're becoming a different man.
As the weeks and months go by, people begin noticing things they never expected. You return calls. You keep your word. You show up when you say you're going to show up. Conversations become more honest. Trust slowly begins replacing doubt—not because you asked for it, but because you've earned it.
That kind of change comes with time and action and just can't be rushed.
I also told him something else that wasn't easy to hear. Not every friendship will come back.
Some people have been hurt deeply. Others have simply moved on with their lives. We don't get to decide how someone responds to an apology, and recovery teaches us to respect that. We take responsibility for our side of the street, but we can't walk someone else's.
The good news is that I've watched hundreds of men discover something they never expected.
Relationships they thought were over slowly found their way back.
Not all of them, but the ones that did were the ones meant to be cherished.
The apology opened the door. Living differently was what invited people back into the relationship.
If you're asking yourself how to repair friendships you may have damaged while drinking, start by giving yourself the opportunity to become healthy first.
When the time is right, apologize with humility. Don't expect anything in return. Then keep doing the next right thing.
In my experience, people may remember what you said, but they'll never forget the man you became.
Soberman's Estate is a residential men's addiction treatment center that provides discreet, individualized, sophisticated recovery and wellness services for adult men that want to recover from substance use disorders, and or other behavioral issues such as trauma, anxiety, depression, stress, or other addictions.
If you or someone you know are struggling and wondering about the next step for receiving help, please call our Admissions Director for a complimentary consultation at 480-712-7718, or email info@SobermansEstate.com.